Crumpets and Come Fuck Me's

karrijasminetho:

adreamersambition:

2makeyewsmile:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

oh God

!!

(via kassiinovaa)

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mallorycatluc:

dykecitybitch:

When girls say they’d go lesbian to get away from drama.. bitch you know nothing.

have you seen one episode of The L Word

(via badgeroncrack)

(via taste-my-rainbow)

white-wolfos:

24ribs:

are lesbians an endangered species because I can’t find any 

they thrive in cold, northern climates where there are lots of libraries

(via disrespectful-dyke)

mouseonmydoorframe:

best-of-imgur:

My friend ordered a broom online, this is how they shipped it.

(via badgeroncrack)

paulyoptosaurus:

msjewbooty:

paulyoptosaurus:

petition to remove the ‘d’ from wednesday 

wednesay

not what i had in mind but im flexible 

(via taste-my-rainbow)

(via gingerhobbit-tealover)

contradictionaddiction:

I know we joke about the british weather but it has legitimately just rained, hailed, snowed and now the sun is breaking through all in about half an hour AND IT IS MARCH

(via badgeroncrack)

elanorpam:

tastefullyoffensive:

[via]

LAUGHING REALLY HARD

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